How (Not) to Make Bannock

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Bannock. Something so easy to make children barely out of diapers proudly show it off at baking fairs, or whatever the hell kids do these days.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit I’m not much of a baker. In fact, if my baking skills were numerized they’d actually be in the negative digits. But if a girl with pigtails can master this simple recipe, surely a grown adult with a damn university degree can too!


So let’s take a look at this simple recipe with expert modifications you may or may not want to follow. I suggest you do not follow them.

  • 3 cups all-purpose flour

Expert tip: I have no idea what “all-purpose” flour is, and I’m on a ferry with crappy wifi right now, so I have no intention of using my precious data to find out. Therefore, I used whatever flour was gathering dust in that cupboard I never open.

  • 1 teaspoon salt

Expert tip: Is that a pinch? I used a pinch.

  • 2 tablespoons baking powder

Expert tip: No baking powder? Use baking soda! Who knows the difference in this day and age.

  • 1/4 cup butter, melted

Expert tip: Melting optional. It basically just adds more time and complexity to a basic recipe. And basic is my middle name!

  • 1 1/2 cups milk (or water)

Expert tip: If you’re cheap, opt for water.

  • 1 tablespoon sugar

Expert tip: Or more! Experiment!


Okay! Measure flour, salt, sugar, and baking powder (soda!) into a large bowl. Or anything bowl-shaped if you don’t feel like doing the dishes.

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As you can see, I used baking soda that had been sitting in my freezer. For much longer than 30 days.

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Now stir that all up and throw in the butter and milk. Knead all this together (I think knead is the correct term) until it’s soft but not sticky. To be honest I found this to be a game of “stick as much flour to the butter as you possibly can”. Probably should have melted it after all, so disregard the expert tip above. Too late? Too bad.

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Now, put your monstrosity onto a baking sheet and into some sort of shape resembling circle that’s one inch thick. Mine looked like more like a bread fetus than a circle, but oh well. Let’s throw that bun in the oven!

Cook for 350 degrees F for 25 to 30 minutes and take it out.

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And we have…. this.

Well it doesn’t look like much, but the proof is in the pudding! Or the… flour. I guess. Let’s have a taste.

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To be honest, if the embodiment of salt and the embodiment of flour had a love child, it would taste something like this. Where is this sugar and butter I put in? Why have you forsaken me? Disregard expert tip above on baking soda and use baking powder.

That’s all for today! May you briefly enjoy this abomination before tossing it gleefully in the trash.

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